create a black hole and end the universe

 

so im browsing random sites. browse browse.

and i come upon Model Mayhem, ok i've been here before, always thought it was real amateur, but i find the profile of a pretty legit photographer (Megan Fox, Ben Stiller, Snoop Dogg, etc).

what i distinctly notice from her profile is this:
 

( probably really not good for anyone to read )</strong>




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( cuttttt this shizz (lj cut...) )

 

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apologies.

 

fail at editing. 

 

music usually helps. every song makes me want to throw up right now.


i failed again today.


i need to be positive. i am trying to form 'at least...' statements.

yes i'm fat and hideous and have absolutely ravaged my upper GI tract especially in the last few days. i have a horrid headache, i'm absolutely exhausted and yes i haven't been studying like i had promised myself, and yes i only have two weeks left to do this, to study for this, and to lose this weight. yes i am screwed and yes i fail over and over but..

at least...my nails are healthy again.
at least...my hair is growing and back to natural color.
at least...i'm getting lots of sleep.
at least...i haven't purged yet today, and don't plan to.
at least...i finished my internship...almost.
at least...my parents are happy with me right now.
at least...my brother is happy right now.
at least...my friends are happy with me right now.
at least...i turn 21 in a few weeks (as if i need to drink MOAR)
at least...school is almost here.

at least...i have tomorrow.



i am so alone right now. everyone's left me be to study. just me and this MCAT. just me and you baby. but i'm so goddamn lonely.

i need to learn to love myself. no one can indefinitely fill this love void but myself. but i hate me, and me hates i back; love. rejected.

babay, you still drive me craazay
nothing's gonna change me

i'm glad that there is a permanent weight loss commercial next to my neurotic bulimic post. 

for weeks and weeks i'll go with the mindset of a health freak. i look in the mirror and i say to myself 'health first, life first, love this body, nourish it, weight means nothing', and my skin starts to glow, and my hair thickens up, and my nails harden, and i look alive. running, strength training, veggies, fiber, protein, vitamins, supplements, sleep, no smoking, no drinking, no weed, no pills, no scales, and so on. obsessive behavior needs to thrive somewhere i suppose.

but somehow it is never as satisfying. the dull dull sensation of day to day. it builds slowly, until i feel more and more senseless, emotionless, unconscious.

and then it comes. that little itch...deep in the pit of my abdomen, my body. it itches ever so slightly but so damn incessantly. and it wants me to DO something.

do it do it do it, it says. decision made, too late.

and then that other little itch in the depth of my brain, it says, not enough. not enough. not enough. not enough.


and then i look in the mirror. and all i want, all i could ever want in the entire world at that moment, is to be painfully thin, to feel my skin.

suddenly, that washed-out, long-forgotten, thrown-away 'ultimate perfect happy goal weight' seems perfectly reasonable and further utterly necessary.

20 lbs.

wow time flies.

always the struggle between health and weight loss.

i choose health.

yesterday was a fail but not a complete fail, i felt ok with myself. i had stayed fairly low on my intake for a few days but then yesterday i went and has a bit too much. by evening however, i felt fine. i decided to go out with my friend to a bar, just for a couple hours. this night of 'one drink and a few hours' turned into a packed hot bar with amazing music and seeing my bartender friend. this then led to a lot of drinking which led to a ravenous binge-eating freak mode.

thousands and thousands of calories. i wont list it all but heres an idea: container of hummus, bag of sun chips, payday extra large candy bar, rieces pieces, about 15 or 20 large cookies, 5 or 6 large brownies, a shitload of milk, several several huge spoons of peanut butter, oatmeal...wtf i know.


after that binge i proceeded to attempt to purge for the first time in about a week (i really was proud of myself, pride which is destroyed now). the purge wouldn't come. it just wouldn't. i proceeded to frantically search the internet for ways to induce purging (i know. tha intarwebz iz g00d for pr0m1a bullshit). panic panic.


from this stems the worst discovery i could have made at this point in my life. i proceeded to try this "method" and my reflex was back, not as it once was (young young life), but back it was. afterwards, i hated myself as usual. my roommates no longer even give me a second look with these episodes i have. everybody in your life will just get used to your suffering and comfortably move on. that's just how it is.


this morning i managed to not feel like a whale. my eyes and face were swollen beyond belief however. what was the usual almond shape of my eyes now looked like i had tumors growing out of my eyelids, kidney beans, that's what it looked like. i had to tip my head back slightly in order to see. but i didn't feel fat, and that's all that matters of course..


i have been waiting for tomorrow for weeks, months even. i have been planning and planning. and up until this afternoon, i thought it may have all gone down mediocrely happy.


no. as the day progressed forward, i felt bigger and bigger and bigger. out of sheer dehydration, hangover, swollen face, fucked up electrolyte levels, AND a crucial conference call at 3:30pm, i decided to eat a peanut butter sandwich (while today was supposed to be a fast). that was at 11am. around 2pm i started to feel like i was going to faint, much less stay awake during that conference call. i took a walk down to the whole foods nearby my work, the walk woudl wake me up, and i'd get some fruits and veggies to keep me awake.


i came back with a 12 by 5 inch container full of "salads" and a huge container of berries. those fake salads that lie to you, deceive you with their content. "vegetables", they scream. their color, their texture, their presentation. no. they're full of fat and carbs and calories. full. i proceeded to binge on the entire container. halfway through i felt i was going to explode, at work, in my chair, in my office, and with still half the day left to go. i kept eating. i. have. to. finish. this. container. it tastes disgusting now, finish it. now the berries.



i couldn't breathe. the meeting went by quickly and well, they praised me over and over for my hard work. i felt happy with myself and my life for a maximum of 5 minutes. i walked home and took the metro. exhausted. no sleep. hungover. bloated and fat. so so fat.



there's a 7-11 on the corner of my block. right there. maybe 10 steps from my apartment building. right on the path back from the metro station. i'm going to get milk, i decided. nonfat real milk, so that i'll get diarrhea (lactose intolerant). so that i can drink it plain and drink the whole container. so that maybe this horrid bloating will go away. i suspect unconsciously i just wanted to get a high out of something at that point. anything. MILK.


an entire container of milk, two bowls of cereal, spoonfuls of peanut butter, steamed broccoli and brussel sprouts, oatmeal, raspberries, sugar, and almonds later.........i feel ten times worse. so fast, it goes from a "formulated plan" to an out of control binge, so damn fast.

DON'T purge again. you CANNOT feel that shit again. you CANNOT fall back into that hell of a life again. you JUST got out of it.

HOURS later..

puke. can't puke. gag. nothing. fine. i did the same i did the night before. it works. i did it late. a lot came up, but not the right things, not the right way. it was food alright, but i cant explain why it wasnt good enough. it just wasnt good enough of vomit. i have standards for my goddamn vomit. you better contain exactly what i expect you to contain.







i lost my train of thought. my point is that i've felt semi-better for the last couple of weeks, at least steering towards normal. but not yesterday and not today. today, right now, i feel the way i felt just a few months ago, a way that i would take anything ANYTHING not to feel. i would rather not feel anything at all than feel this way.

tomorrow will be hell. i wish i could fast for the weekend. it won't happen.

there's so much anger and frustration and it wirls and wirls in my stomach and my chest and my head my forehead and my eyes and i can't breathe every breath is not there i cant feel it it's not working the anger just builds and builds trapped and growing inside my body eating away at my insides like acid but not painfully, incessantly and continuously, the way i pick at my scalp until it bleeds, but i sit and i listen, i listen to what you say, what all of you say, i say nothing show nothing and i want water i want a liter of water i want to puke it i want to puke it all and then do it again, then maybe it will somehow all get washed out emptied out clean relieved exhausted unconscious