create a black hole and end the universe

really a bit triggering

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:44:01 GMT

so im browsing random sites. browse browse.

and i come upon Model Mayhem, ok i've been here before, always thought it was real amateur, but i find the profile of a pretty legit photographer (Megan Fox, Ben Stiller, Snoop Dogg, etc).

what i distinctly notice from her profile is this:

"PLEASE NOTE:
If you message me about shooting with me, I will assume that you are willing to pay for my services - unless you specify that you are looking for testing.

At this time the only models I am considering testing with :
a.) meet agency fashion standards

Females: MUST be 5'8" or taller and very close to 34-24-34 / 120 lbs or less / size 2-4
Males: 5'11" or taller and in good physical shape

b.) Are *exceptionally* beautiful

c.) Possess unique facial features

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, I had to go check the bmi on that. I just had to. "5'8 or taller" and "120 or less", I chose the largest bmi possible, for sake of my own sanity. 5'8 and 120, bmi.....18.2

why why why must models be UNDERWEIGHT? why??? i'm not questioning this photographer, i'm not questioning the industry, i'm not criticizing anyone. i am just wondering WHY, why does it have to be this way? why can't people of healthy weight be looked up to as beautiful people, photographed as beautiful people and praised just as well as underweight individuals. why? it just makes me feel more inadequate and that's my own fault for lookign this up anyhow.

18.2

that means that in order to be anywhere NEAR considerable for a "photoshoot", for "beauty", for any consideration of attractiveness, i must be 110 lbs or LESS.

i am whining. this post is pointless. all i mean to say is that sometimes i get so confused and sometimes i feel like it's okay to weigh what i weigh, and sometimes i don't. this is one of those times that i feel i have to lose, lose now, and lose a lot. this is one of those times that i feel horribly inadequate and i have a long way to go before i can be considered normal-looking much less attractive. this is one of those times that i feel disgusting.

apologies.

fail at editing.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 19:35:33 GMT

music usually helps. every song makes me want to throw up right now.

i failed again today.

i need to be positive. i am trying to form 'at least...' statements.

yes i'm fat and hideous and have absolutely ravaged my upper GI tract especially in the last few days. i have a horrid headache, i'm absolutely exhausted and yes i haven't been studying like i had promised myself, and yes i only have two weeks left to do this, to study for this, and to lose this weight. yes i am screwed and yes i fail over and over but..

at least...my nails are healthy again.
at least...my hair is growing and back to natural color.
at least...i'm getting lots of sleep.
at least...i haven't purged yet today, and don't plan to.
at least...i finished my internship...almost.
at least...my parents are happy with me right now.
at least...my brother is happy right now.
at least...my friends are happy with me right now.
at least...i turn 21 in a few weeks (as if i need to drink MOAR)
at least...school is almost here.

at least...i have tomorrow.

i am so alone right now. everyone's left me be to study. just me and this MCAT. just me and you baby. but i'm so goddamn lonely.

i need to learn to love myself. no one can indefinitely fill this love void but myself. but i hate me, and me hates i back; love. rejected.

Brasil 2014 - i will finally go and it will be life-changing.

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 15:01:04 GMT

babay, you still drive me craazay
nothing's gonna change me

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 06:34:23 GMT

i'm glad that there is a permanent weight loss commercial next to my neurotic bulimic post.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:27:07 GMT

for weeks and weeks i'll go with the mindset of a health freak. i look in the mirror and i say to myself 'health first, life first, love this body, nourish it, weight means nothing', and my skin starts to glow, and my hair thickens up, and my nails harden, and i look alive. running, strength training, veggies, fiber, protein, vitamins, supplements, sleep, no smoking, no drinking, no weed, no pills, no scales, and so on. obsessive behavior needs to thrive somewhere i suppose.

but somehow it is never as satisfying. the dull dull sensation of day to day. it builds slowly, until i feel more and more senseless, emotionless, unconscious.

and then it comes. that little itch...deep in the pit of my abdomen, my body. it itches ever so slightly but so damn incessantly. and it wants me to DO something.

do it do it do it, it says. decision made, too late.

and then that other little itch in the depth of my brain, it says, not enough. not enough. not enough. not enough.

and then i look in the mirror. and all i want, all i could ever want in the entire world at that moment, is to be painfully thin, to feel my skin.

suddenly, that washed-out, long-forgotten, thrown-away 'ultimate perfect happy goal weight' seems perfectly reasonable and further utterly necessary.

20 lbs.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:41:57 GMT

wow time flies.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:14:52 GMT

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:44:51 GMT

always the struggle between health and weight loss.

i choose health.

tmi, triggering, all that jazz, don't read my lovelies, it's too disgusting and pointless

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 00:47:56 GMT

yesterday was a fail but not a complete fail, i felt ok with myself. i had stayed fairly low on my intake for a few days but then yesterday i went and has a bit too much. by evening however, i felt fine. i decided to go out with my friend to a bar, just for a couple hours. this night of 'one drink and a few hours' turned into a packed hot bar with amazing music and seeing my bartender friend. this then led to a lot of drinking which led to a ravenous binge-eating freak mode.

thousands and thousands of calories. i wont list it all but heres an idea: container of hummus, bag of sun chips, payday extra large candy bar, rieces pieces, about 15 or 20 large cookies, 5 or 6 large brownies, a shitload of milk, several several huge spoons of peanut butter, oatmeal...wtf i know.

after that binge i proceeded to attempt to purge for the first time in about a week (i really was proud of myself, pride which is destroyed now). the purge wouldn't come. it just wouldn't. i proceeded to frantically search the internet for ways to induce purging (i know. tha intarwebz iz g00d for pr0m1a bullshit). panic panic.

from this stems the worst discovery i could have made at this point in my life. i proceeded to try this "method" and my reflex was back, not as it once was (young young life), but back it was. afterwards, i hated myself as usual. my roommates no longer even give me a second look with these episodes i have. everybody in your life will just get used to your suffering and comfortably move on. that's just how it is.

this morning i managed to not feel like a whale. my eyes and face were swollen beyond belief however. what was the usual almond shape of my eyes now looked like i had tumors growing out of my eyelids, kidney beans, that's what it looked like. i had to tip my head back slightly in order to see. but i didn't feel fat, and that's all that matters of course..

i have been waiting for tomorrow for weeks, months even. i have been planning and planning. and up until this afternoon, i thought it may have all gone down mediocrely happy.

no. as the day progressed forward, i felt bigger and bigger and bigger. out of sheer dehydration, hangover, swollen face, fucked up electrolyte levels, AND a crucial conference call at 3:30pm, i decided to eat a peanut butter sandwich (while today was supposed to be a fast). that was at 11am. around 2pm i started to feel like i was going to faint, much less stay awake during that conference call. i took a walk down to the whole foods nearby my work, the walk woudl wake me up, and i'd get some fruits and veggies to keep me awake.

i came back with a 12 by 5 inch container full of "salads" and a huge container of berries. those fake salads that lie to you, deceive you with their content. "vegetables", they scream. their color, their texture, their presentation. no. they're full of fat and carbs and calories. full. i proceeded to binge on the entire container. halfway through i felt i was going to explode, at work, in my chair, in my office, and with still half the day left to go. i kept eating. i. have. to. finish. this. container. it tastes disgusting now, finish it. now the berries.

i couldn't breathe. the meeting went by quickly and well, they praised me over and over for my hard work. i felt happy with myself and my life for a maximum of 5 minutes. i walked home and took the metro. exhausted. no sleep. hungover. bloated and fat. so so fat.

there's a 7-11 on the corner of my block. right there. maybe 10 steps from my apartment building. right on the path back from the metro station. i'm going to get milk, i decided. nonfat real milk, so that i'll get diarrhea (lactose intolerant). so that i can drink it plain and drink the whole container. so that maybe this horrid bloating will go away. i suspect unconsciously i just wanted to get a high out of something at that point. anything. MILK.

an entire container of milk, two bowls of cereal, spoonfuls of peanut butter, steamed broccoli and brussel sprouts, oatmeal, raspberries, sugar, and almonds later.........i feel ten times worse. so fast, it goes from a "formulated plan" to an out of control binge, so damn fast.

DON'T purge again. you CANNOT feel that shit again. you CANNOT fall back into that hell of a life again. you JUST got out of it.

HOURS later..

puke. can't puke. gag. nothing. fine. i did the same i did the night before. it works. i did it late. a lot came up, but not the right things, not the right way. it was food alright, but i cant explain why it wasnt good enough. it just wasnt good enough of vomit. i have standards for my goddamn vomit. you better contain exactly what i expect you to contain.

i lost my train of thought. my point is that i've felt semi-better for the last couple of weeks, at least steering towards normal. but not yesterday and not today. today, right now, i feel the way i felt just a few months ago, a way that i would take anything ANYTHING not to feel. i would rather not feel anything at all than feel this way.

tomorrow will be hell. i wish i could fast for the weekend. it won't happen.

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:56:09 GMT

there's so much anger and frustration and it wirls and wirls in my stomach and my chest and my head my forehead and my eyes and i can't breathe every breath is not there i cant feel it it's not working the anger just builds and builds trapped and growing inside my body eating away at my insides like acid but not painfully, incessantly and continuously, the way i pick at my scalp until it bleeds, but i sit and i listen, i listen to what you say, what all of you say, i say nothing show nothing and i want water i want a liter of water i want to puke it i want to puke it all and then do it again, then maybe it will somehow all get washed out emptied out clean relieved exhausted unconscious

thursday

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 02:05:02 GMT

1110. going running and then straight to bed.

there hasn't been a day these past few months that's gone by and i've not felt enormous, more enormous than ever. a giant parading in the streets and bursting the buttons on my shirt. done done done with these feelings.

i can do 1000 through the weekend, and 700 after that!!!!!!! NO binging. I just can't afford even one binge.

i will be comfortable. i will live my life. i will have that and i will have it soon.

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 00:27:03 GMT

meh just binged HARDCORE on cereal.

total intake for the day: 1850.

well im gonna purge, what else can i do. it was a good five days. maybe i can do five more starting tomorrow.

hope my roommate doesnt hear. but if she does i really could care less.

at least now all the cereal is gone and i cant binge on it anymore....

sunday: hello livejournal

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 20:38:28 GMT

what's new?

i've been living in the city for two weeks now. i feel like i'm FINALLY starting to get my life towards the right track, just from four days of no b/p.
it went like this:

tues: b/p
wed: 1600
thur: 1600, treadmill
fri: 1600
sat: 3000+ binge, stepper machine (fml for this binge, but i DID NOT PURGE.)
today: 750 so far...hopefully no more, and maybe treadmill later.. must make up for that insane binge..

i refuse, absolutely REFUSE, to ever go back to that horrid place again. i refuse to purge. and if a binge happens once in a while then so be it.

this week, i will go for 1200/day.

ps. i love trader joe's and it's two blocks from my apt building. i bought so many veggies and fibery grains and nonfat dairy-like things and green tea and black tea and whey protein powder.....controlled, portioned, pure health food makes me feel so amazing.

pps. i have an interview tomorrow, and IT NEEDS TO STOP RAINING KTHX.

wednesday

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:31:23 GMT

fail fail fail.

what else is new?

i can't stay awake at work anymore. or at home. i just want to sleep all day.

why? why is it so easy for everyone else? how does it feel? how does it feel to eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, and not even give it a second thought? how does it feel to not have your conscious perpetually cast over with thoughts and panics of what you will eat or what you won't? how does it feel? i want to know.

it should be so easy. it's a normal part of life. for every living thing. it's the most simple act, the most ancient, primitive task. how did it get so fucked up?

the most horrible feeling i can describe is when i have brief flashes, fleeting realizations that i push back where they came from, in which i know, i just know, that this is unfixable, that it will never change, that it will all be this way forever.

i'm going to make this a good week

Sun, 31 May 2009 21:22:06 GMT

monday to friday. i can do this.

i'm going to take good care of myself this week. i'm going to restrict and i'm going to eat only healthy foods.

i'm not going to drink and i'm not going to smoke.

i want to feel better. i want to feel like i'm doing something right. i want to feel like i'm doing everything right.

i can do this.

Sun, 31 May 2009 17:56:47 GMT

Spending most of my time
Forgetting at all costs

Strange you feel so low
Then you feel so high

Then you feel so high

Sat, 30 May 2009 14:51:35 GMT

ah....what can i say.

things were going not bad really. work was going well, school grades came back good.

but i'm fatter than ever, and that never fails to ruin my nights out. no matter how many good friends i'm with, no matter how nice everyone is, i can just sense it. i can sense that everyone notices that i've gained and everyone thinks i'm disgusting and all my ex's are thinking "thank god i dropped THAT". god i hate myself. i hate myself more because all those feelings made me want to sabotage my life last night. and i did.

i need to fast this weekend.

i want to shower and wash and scrub and scrape off the shame that penetrates my disgusting self.

Tuesday

Wed, 27 May 2009 02:23:35 GMT

today and yesterday i ran in the mornings, didn't eat all day, and then b/p pretty bad at night.

i gained so much.

fml. i can't give up but when does it fking end.

Sunday

Mon, 25 May 2009 02:25:07 GMT

Today was a good day! I moved into my apt which is not as great as I expected but I still love it. Or maybe I'm just drunk. Anyway I moved in and I felt lonely already but I'm still happy to be away from my fam for a lil while, just so I can stop binging and purging at least. After moving in, I went for drinks with a girlfriend I haven't seen in months. It made me happy and drunk, and now I am happy and drunk. Only two glasses of wine how pathetic. Also I felt fat the whole time and only one pair of shorts fits me, fml. I need to restrict/exercise asap asap asap fml.

Today: 1000+300 = 1300. fck alcohol should not have calories it's not fair.

I need to lose 3lb/week, I need to be at my low wt, I have 4 weeks.

Tomorrow I will run.

Saturday

Sun, 24 May 2009 01:41:08 GMT

Today was shit.
was going fine til about two hours ago. mother yelling = trigger = stuff my face & failed fucking purge.

GOD I CANNOT STAND THIS DISGUSTING BODY.

tomorrowtomorrowtomorrowtomorrowtomorrowtomorrow.

I need/dread tomorrow.

Friday

Fri, 22 May 2009 22:16:02 GMT

I suppose I'll attempt updating every day again, maybe it'll get my life back in order.
...School is over, and I've gotten three out of four grades back. So far so good, but that last one is scaring me shitless.
On Sunday, I move into an apartment in the city with two girls I haven't met. I've already found the nearest Whole Foods. It's a 15 minute walk and I couldn't be happier about that. I've planned a grocery list as well, I'll post it soon. Also, there will be gym in my building which I absolutely cannot wait for. MWF cardio here I come.

Yesterday I b/p again on things I haven't come close to in years. I'm 100% NOT out of my binge phase. At all. But I will be.
I haven't eaten meat in a few weeks or so (except fish). I need to cut out dairy. I need to load up on fiber.

Summer goals
Internship & presentation
MCAT - Aug 14
112

If I can do these three goals, if I do just these three things the way I want them to be done, then I will be happy, then I will praise myself.
Today has gone mediocre but good enough. I was going to have dinner, but I don't feel hungry and I actually have no urge to binge.
Also, I cannot stop brushing my teeth. I think it's because they feel like they're rotting all the time. They probably are.

Today's total: 720
W: not sure...135?
G1: 124

Sat, 16 May 2009 19:32:13 GMT

My reflex is just basically gone. Gone gone gone. Not only that, but I'm incredibly TIRED of puking. I was in denial of this earlier, and proceeded to binge for several days, without the ability to purge, and thus had an onslaught of panic attacks.
Anyway, I suppose I'm out of that denial, sort of. Cannot purge, thus cannot binge? I should hope so.
In real life updates, the semester is officially over this Tuesday. I have an A+ in two of my classes, and don't know yet about the two others.
He comes back in July. I'm still disgusting. I had a dream that we drove to NY together and he held my hand. Laff.
I just have to hold out one week. Just one week of no purging, no binging. One week of restriction.

Fri, 15 May 2009 01:08:53 GMT

When the night comes and the darkness wraps around you, that's when you feel so alone. No one will fix this but you. Why is this so damn difficult, I've never felt so stressed in my life. No one thinks about anyone but themselves. Shit to hell, fuck it all. I'm about done with this life. Right about now.

Fri, 15 May 2009 00:49:12 GMT

It makes me feel absolutely miserable that I live through my dreams. And anyway, all my dreams are about food.

Fri, 15 May 2009 00:40:14 GMT

everytime i get a glimmer of happiness or feeling normal, i start allowing myself to eat way too much. and then something so SHIT happens and i have absolutely no way of dealing with it. something that makes me so angry and so sad and so frustrated and i'm not supposed to react to it badly so i have to deal with it some other way. and it makes me want to never eat again but then i realize how much i've already eaten and nothing is satisfied. i need to DO something. do. not think. do. purge purge purge. but no i have to stop that, because all i do is stay fat and hate myself more.

what's the goddamn moral of the story? if you even for a second, sense yourself feeling happy, don't trust it, push it away and realize that you will never ever be satisfied. that it is just a misleading shadow of a feeling and it'll pass within time and then you'll hate yourself all over again, and not only will you hate yourself then but you'll also be full on top of that, and there won't even be any way to get rid of the hate. you'll just lay and wallow in your self hatred and gluttony and fatassness, for lack of better wording.

i shouldn't feel this way but i do. i shouldn't hate you but i do. i shouldn't say anything so i won't. i should react some other way, so i will. i should find some other way to get rid of the anger and i will.

i want OUT. i want out right. now. there's only one way out of this feeling.